Cocooning...

Attachment and Cocooning.  These are terms that I wasn't very familiar with until the past 6 or 8 months.  As we've walked deeper and deeper into this adoption, I've learned more about the mental and emotional damage that is done to a child who is abandoned or passed from care giver to care giver.   With the reality of bringing Sadie home looming over us, we are realizing that there are serious months ahead that need to be handled with care.  We have been learning, researching, discussing, and planning.

By the time Sadie comes home, we will be her fourth care givers.  She lived for 9 months in her biological mom's womb.  She was given up shortly after birth and placed in an orphanage for 22 months.  She was then placed with her foster mom where she has lived for 18 months.  Though she has been treated very, very well (as far as we have seen and been told), being passed from one care giver to another causes confusion, even in a child so young.

By God's design, babies begin the process of attachment right after birth by snuggling into their Mama and breast feeding.  From the very first, the Mama is able to give her child the message that she is there to provide warmth, comfort, and nourishment.  Parents continue the process of attachment as they cuddle, murmur to the baby, rock or bounce him, and sing lullabies.  All of these sweet moments add up to a child who is firmly grounded in the knowledge that he or she has a Mom and Dad who are there to provide for his/her needs.

Now, three years and 4 months later, we are to begin the process of teaching Sadie that we are the ones who will love her, care for her and meet her needs for the rest of her life.  This will take time and an effort to be intentional in all that we do over the next several months and even years.

Cocooning is a term that means creating a barrier around the child so that their world is as small, predictable and simple as possible.  With all the change that comes with an adoption, creating a safe haven for the child in which they can learn about their new life is vital.  Routine becomes incredibly important and comforting.  Limiting outings (even to the store and church), limiting guests, limiting stimulation are all ways of creating a cocoon that is safe for the child.  Then, within that cocoon, within those boundaries, the child can begin to learn who Mama and Daddy are; that they are there to provide comfort, nourishment, protection and love.

Andrew and I have decided to provide Sadie with this cocoon.  Adoption experts have said that attachment generally takes 6 weeks to 3 months.  Some kids take a shorter amount of time, some much, much longer.  Of course, the process will continue long after the 3 months are up, but the foundation will be laid for the beginning of a healthy relationship.

After much thought and discussion, we have decided to invite all friends and family to a "Sip and See" on the Monday after we return from Bulgaria to allow the opportunity for loved ones to meet our sweet girl.  After that, we will be greatly restricting guests, outings and activity.  We will simplify life, spend time together as a family only, and get to know Sadie as she gets to know us.  We will cuddle, sing, play games, read books.  I will plan on keeping Sadie home from church for several weeks.

Through all of this, we will watch our daughter for signs - signs that will show that she is attaching and bonding to us.  We'll be looking for her to reach for us if she gets hurt, ask us for something to eat or drink, snuggle into us and fall asleep, check in when she's playing independently just to be sure we're there.  These are all good signs.  As these signs become more and more present, we will begin to ease up on the cocooning.  We'll slowly begin taking baby steps back into our "normal" life.  We'll take her to church (but might sneak in, sit in the back, and slip out the first time).  We'll try a short, 15 minute trip to the grocery store.  We'll take a walk to the park, play for a few minutes, then walk back.  As we see her doing well with the baby steps, we'll begin to expand her horizons by bringing her to church on Wednesday nights, taking her to dinner with friends, or taking longer shopping trips.

We pray that our actions and decisions in this cocooning/attachment phase will not hurt the feelings of those we love.  We WANT you to know her and hug her, to kiss her and hold her.  Just not yet.  If she learns to attach well to us, if she identifies us as her Mama and Daddy - as the ones she seeks out above all others - then she will be able to have richer, deeper, more meaningful relationships for the rest of her life.  In learning to attach to us, she will be learning to attach properly to others.

And, so we thank you for your patience.  We ask for your prayers - that God would give us a beautiful bond with this little girl and she with us.  When you do see her in church or out and about, please don't be afraid to say "hello" and greet her warmly.  While we don't want others holding, hugging or kissing her for a few months, we do welcome high fives and sweet words, smiles and laughter.  You are a huge part of her life and, little by little, she will know you and will shine her bright light into your lives.  This cocoon will be spun and we will be in it for a short time.  Our hope and prayer is that when she emerges, she will be a beautiful butterfly with wings that are ready to fly in to the waiting arms of all those that love her!

A little eye candy to start your week!

The beds have been painted with my first ever attempt at chalk paint.  The walls have been touched up.  Quilts have been sewn, pillows made and embroidered, and pictures hung on the walls.  Clothes have been organized.  A frame has been fitted with chicken wire to hold the plethora of bows and an oatmeal container has been transformed into a headband holder.  We've added touches of pink, hung dresses, and placed a sweet doll on Sadie's bed.  We are ready now.  Ready to have two peas in a pod in their little green room with the tiny beds!  

The count down begins!

We are so excited to announce that we have travel dates!!  We will be traveling to Bulgaria...

May 9 - 16!!

Exactly one month from today, on May 11th, we will drive to Sadie's town and pick her up from her foster mom and take her for her medical appointment.  Our Embassy appointment will be May 14th and we will pick up Sadie's visa on May 15th.  We will fly out EARLY in the morning on May 16th and arrive in Orlando around 5:40pm!

31 days.  31 days until a new life begins.  For us.  For Sadie.  For John, Joseph and Luke.   I want time to slow down, to stop, so that I can enjoy every last moment as a family of five - savoring my boys as they are now.  I want to protect them from the hardships that are likely to arrive along with Sadie.

And then, I want time to speed up, for the days to fly by, so that I can hold my daughter in my arms.  I want to kiss her cheeks, hug her neck, snuggle her and rock her to sleep.  I'm dying for that moment when we walk through the door and introduce her to the boys.  I want to see how they interact with her and she with them.  I want to watch her become more and more comfortable with us, with this house, with her new life.

Yet, I am nervous about those moments when she's grieving her lost life, upset because she can't communicate with these strange new people, is tired but not comfortable enough with us to go to sleep.  I won't know her like I know my boys - I won't know how to comfort her, what makes her calm down, what settles her aching heart.

I am excited, scared, nervous, and so very anxious.  The Lord says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything - through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving - present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:6.  So, to pass the days and to calm this anxious heart, we are going to turn to the Lord in prayer.  Each day at dinner, one of us will draw a slip of paper from this basket.

 We will pray through the cards and when they are all gone, it will be time to leave for our trip!  Would you pray with us, as we go through this month?  Pray for Sadie, the biological mom, the foster mom.

Pray for John, Joseph and Luke as they adjust to having a new sister in the mix.  Pray, especially, for Luke.  He'll be sharing a room with Sadie as well as sharing my arms - which he loves to be in.  I think that the adjustment will be the hardest on him.  We need lots of prayer in this area!

Please pray for Grammy and Grandpa as they keep the boys, for safety, for energy and for good rest through the nights.  Please pray for Andrew and me - we need wisdom, patience, and guidance.  This trip is going to be an emotional roller coaster and I know we will need God's hand on us every minute of the trip.

31 days.  So short and, yet, so long.  We're coming, baby girl!  Soon and very soon!