Cocooning...

Attachment and Cocooning.  These are terms that I wasn't very familiar with until the past 6 or 8 months.  As we've walked deeper and deeper into this adoption, I've learned more about the mental and emotional damage that is done to a child who is abandoned or passed from care giver to care giver.   With the reality of bringing Sadie home looming over us, we are realizing that there are serious months ahead that need to be handled with care.  We have been learning, researching, discussing, and planning.

By the time Sadie comes home, we will be her fourth care givers.  She lived for 9 months in her biological mom's womb.  She was given up shortly after birth and placed in an orphanage for 22 months.  She was then placed with her foster mom where she has lived for 18 months.  Though she has been treated very, very well (as far as we have seen and been told), being passed from one care giver to another causes confusion, even in a child so young.

By God's design, babies begin the process of attachment right after birth by snuggling into their Mama and breast feeding.  From the very first, the Mama is able to give her child the message that she is there to provide warmth, comfort, and nourishment.  Parents continue the process of attachment as they cuddle, murmur to the baby, rock or bounce him, and sing lullabies.  All of these sweet moments add up to a child who is firmly grounded in the knowledge that he or she has a Mom and Dad who are there to provide for his/her needs.

Now, three years and 4 months later, we are to begin the process of teaching Sadie that we are the ones who will love her, care for her and meet her needs for the rest of her life.  This will take time and an effort to be intentional in all that we do over the next several months and even years.

Cocooning is a term that means creating a barrier around the child so that their world is as small, predictable and simple as possible.  With all the change that comes with an adoption, creating a safe haven for the child in which they can learn about their new life is vital.  Routine becomes incredibly important and comforting.  Limiting outings (even to the store and church), limiting guests, limiting stimulation are all ways of creating a cocoon that is safe for the child.  Then, within that cocoon, within those boundaries, the child can begin to learn who Mama and Daddy are; that they are there to provide comfort, nourishment, protection and love.

Andrew and I have decided to provide Sadie with this cocoon.  Adoption experts have said that attachment generally takes 6 weeks to 3 months.  Some kids take a shorter amount of time, some much, much longer.  Of course, the process will continue long after the 3 months are up, but the foundation will be laid for the beginning of a healthy relationship.

After much thought and discussion, we have decided to invite all friends and family to a "Sip and See" on the Monday after we return from Bulgaria to allow the opportunity for loved ones to meet our sweet girl.  After that, we will be greatly restricting guests, outings and activity.  We will simplify life, spend time together as a family only, and get to know Sadie as she gets to know us.  We will cuddle, sing, play games, read books.  I will plan on keeping Sadie home from church for several weeks.

Through all of this, we will watch our daughter for signs - signs that will show that she is attaching and bonding to us.  We'll be looking for her to reach for us if she gets hurt, ask us for something to eat or drink, snuggle into us and fall asleep, check in when she's playing independently just to be sure we're there.  These are all good signs.  As these signs become more and more present, we will begin to ease up on the cocooning.  We'll slowly begin taking baby steps back into our "normal" life.  We'll take her to church (but might sneak in, sit in the back, and slip out the first time).  We'll try a short, 15 minute trip to the grocery store.  We'll take a walk to the park, play for a few minutes, then walk back.  As we see her doing well with the baby steps, we'll begin to expand her horizons by bringing her to church on Wednesday nights, taking her to dinner with friends, or taking longer shopping trips.

We pray that our actions and decisions in this cocooning/attachment phase will not hurt the feelings of those we love.  We WANT you to know her and hug her, to kiss her and hold her.  Just not yet.  If she learns to attach well to us, if she identifies us as her Mama and Daddy - as the ones she seeks out above all others - then she will be able to have richer, deeper, more meaningful relationships for the rest of her life.  In learning to attach to us, she will be learning to attach properly to others.

And, so we thank you for your patience.  We ask for your prayers - that God would give us a beautiful bond with this little girl and she with us.  When you do see her in church or out and about, please don't be afraid to say "hello" and greet her warmly.  While we don't want others holding, hugging or kissing her for a few months, we do welcome high fives and sweet words, smiles and laughter.  You are a huge part of her life and, little by little, she will know you and will shine her bright light into your lives.  This cocoon will be spun and we will be in it for a short time.  Our hope and prayer is that when she emerges, she will be a beautiful butterfly with wings that are ready to fly in to the waiting arms of all those that love her!